Senior year of college I wrote a personal essay about the lists I keep. It included books I've read, places I've been, and boys and girls names for future children amongst others. At this moment I can look around my room and see at least 3 current 'to do' lists. Some are for daily things, others are for larger goals and the future.  I believe the list is a tool that can be used to help attain and work toward goals, yet I've become a slave to mine. Every morning I wake up dreading my 'to do' list(s); every night I go to bed feeling like a failure because I have not fully completed the tasks for the day.

As far as I am aware, no one has put these burdens on me. They are my own making... they are either things I want to do, or (much more common) things I believe I 'should' be doing. Things that would make me more successful, prettier, healthier, more spiritual, happier, better off financially, or would help someone else.

A few days ago, I thought I had mono and took the opportunity to stay in bed for three days straight and feel no guilt about it at all. Sure, since I've been home- I've relaxed quite a bit, but always in the back of my mind there has been a hamster doing double-time running on a wheel in my mind playing questions: 'how long will this last?' 'what will you do next?' 'are you who you think you are?' 'who are you if you aren't doing these things?'

Well, suck it hamster. Three days in bed guilt free was fantastic. I have no revelation. I do not feel like a new person per se... but I think it was a good break from all the 'shoulds' the 'musts' and the 'whys'.

So I inadvertently started a personal experiment called 'don't make any lists and see what happens.' Maybe nothing will happen and I will resort again to lists. Perhaps getting 3 things out of 10 is better that 0 out of 10. Perhaps more will get done that I think. But what if there is no score taken? What if things just happen when they need to and lesser priorities fade away?

I have no current conclusions, and I'm sure that someday again soon I will need a list for something or another. But for now I want to embrace the break. I'm aware that this condition parallels spiritual issues for me. If I'm trying to earn my way to myself or to the world around me, I am sure in some way I am trying to earn my way to Jesus.

These things are related to freedom, truth, and grace. All things I need in spades in order to run this race. 

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I'm home and it's surreal. Sometimes it feels as if the last year was just a dream. Or that I am playing with time and I pressed pause on life here until now. Tonight only increased those feelings. Tonight I opened a wrapped gift from my Mom and discovered two envelopes inside. One was addressed to me in her handwriting. The other in what looked to be my father's.

I know my father's handwriting.

But getting a letter from one's father 3 plus years after he's died is something that happens in movies. It's not something that happens to me, right now, in this huge transition, in this time of unknowing in my life.

Yes, it is.

I even talked myself out of it while opening it. It can't be. It's too good to possibly be true. But I unfold the letter and scan to the bottom. 'Love, Dad' in that beautiful, confident, scrolly handwriting that I always tried to mimic as a teen, and sometimes still do.

Once we'd had a disagreement because I'd been writing him letters from college. I was asking him to write me back and he stubbornly said he wouldn't. He kept saying 'I'm not a writer, Hon.' I reconciled myself that writing was an area of insecurity for him.

Anyhow, this was a letter from him. And, he was right. He wasn't a writer.

But it was full of love. It was full of blessing. And I knew then, as I know now, that he was proud. I can picture him in Heaven with open arms. I can picture him right now cheering me on. Anything that held him back here on earth, he is free from. Sickness, despair, obstacles... he is free. He'd be the first to tell me to press on. If I could hear him, he'd be saying 'forget everything else and just run after Jesus.' Heck, that's part of what the letter was saying.

Re-entry is weird. I feel out of place, without a plan, still in shock that the last year happened, wondering if I am different or how I am changed.

It was perfect timing to receive a 'well done' from my earthly father. It felt amazing. I can only imagine and press on towards the joy of hearing those words from my Heavenly Father.

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!' Matthew 25:23

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1

Run the race, Beloved. Run it to the fullest. Our Lord is worthy. And His love for us is unfathomable. 

As the Race winds up, I'm starting the process of processing. What exactly happened the last year of my life? What happened with the Lord? How has it changed how I know Him and how I know I am known? What has it taught me of the world? What has it taught me about Love? How am I different? What did I learn about relationships? All of these questions are going to take time... you may even be present for some of the questioning, figuring out, processing. They aren't going to be things I have answers to my first day at home. However, I have started creating a few makeshift lists to help me remember and keep me sane in the process. Here is one fun list I wanted to share. I call it World Race Firsts (things I have never done before this year):

-          survived multiple earthquakes

-          lived next to an active volcano

-          went to LA

-          golfed at a driving range

-          went to the US embassy (two different ones)

-          got kicked out of a bus station for being patriotic

-          survived a Russian kid's camp (fondly called 'deathcamp')

-          worshipped with a former soviet officer

-          sang a love song to a current soviet officer

-          played guitar at open mic night

-          painted in the park

-          worked at a restaurant

-          rafted the Nile

-          cut my hair short

-          bought 2 prostitutes (and then got a third for free)

-          learned how to drive a scooter

-          learned how to drive a manual scooter

-          played with tigers

-          ordered at a McDonalds with pointing as NO ONE spoke my language

-          watched America score a goal in the world cup at a Ukrainian mcD

-          had a friend visit me in Cambodia

-          performed a dance to Justin Bieber and the crowd. Went. Wild.

-          camped on the west coast of Ireland

-          hitchhiked

-          experienced the new year, Tet, and Semana Santa

-          sledded down a volcano

-          created an iMovie

-          had a sleepover in Nicaragua

-          performed the heart skit at the most passionate youth group ever

-          drove a school bus

-          watched a volcano erupt

Please pray for me these next couple weeks as I finish things up here with ministry and my team, then as I travel next week, and then as I start to settle in and figure out the next part of life.  If I see you at a party or something, please start with the easy questions (and a hug). More answers will come later.

For future Racers:

I realize there are a ton of blogs like this. I never read any before the race and I wish I had... here's my wisdom on what to bring and what not to:

Bring:

-          Headphone splitter (you'll be watching movies with friends on planes, trains, and automobiles. If you are going to have any chance of hearing over the shouting outside of venders, the clucking of chickens, and the rumble of African busses, you are each going to need both pair of headphones in.)

-          Ipod touch (a must for sleeping, for setting an alarm, for using apps like currency converter)

-          Portable speakers (good for team worship times and movie watching)

-          A hang-able travel case for bathroom stuff

-          Packing cubes or airtight squish bags (I did not have either of these- so I coveted them all year J )

-          Pillow and pillow case (that you can wash)

-          (For girls) A white cami tank top for under stuff

-          Guitar (if you play it in real life, you are going to want to have one)

-          Your favorites comfy shorts or t-shirt, but realize you might want to throw them away/burn them at the end of the race.

- Also, I used my chacos- but I wear chacos in normal life. Many of my teammates bought them for the race and never wore them at all. You can make it around the world in flip flops most of the time.

My most used:

-          Bottle of peroxide so stuff doesn't get infected

-          Good earplugs (you can find earplugs on the field, but the cheap ones suck- so I suggest bringing some quality ones. Again, you sort of have to be prepared to sleep anywhere.)

-          Eye mask (same-sies as above)

-          Probiotic

Thoughts on cameras:

I brought my Canon Rebel t1i, and most of the time I was glad for it. I got to take some sweet pics around the world. But there are a few cons to bringing a nice camera that I thought might be worth a mention:

-          An increased worry of it getting stolen.

-          A big camera is more obtrusive in ministry situations. Sometimes we were out in the middle of nowhere and kids would seem really afraid of my big camera while my teammates could take subtle shots of them.

-          It's harder to just hand to a stranger and ask them to take a picture of you and your team. You're never sure what results you will get. Especially in Africa with friends that have never held a camera before.

Suggestions:

-          Collect something. I had friends who collected patches, bottlecaps, rocks, and currency. It´s a fun idea.

-          One of my teammates made a scrapbook as she went, which I thought was a good idea. She also kept a calendar where she wrote for each day what happened. I wished I had done that since the beginning.

-     I would just say be aware of how much time you spend on your computer (internet or watching shows). The months where I spent the most time on my computer are the hardest to actually recount what I did or what the Lord was doing. Press into Him, your team, and your ministry. It's a unique opportunity. 

Okay, that`s it for ideas and suggestions. Enjoy the year, it will be an amazing one.

A quick blog about Guatemala and what we are doing here. This month's ministry has just been fantastic. We work part time in a wheelchair factory and part time with a village called Xinajco.

The factory is amazing. It's run by a man in America named Mark, who was here for our first week helping us settle in. He was super cool for me to talk to as he was an embodiment of multiple people and parts of recent church history that I've always wanted to know more about. He was at Woodstock. He was saved during the Jesus movement. He was friends with Keith Green as a kid. He served later with Joni Erikson Tada. Now he works with this ministry that gives wheelchairs to whoever needs them in Guatemala. I was so blessed and encouraged to talk to Mark. I love meeting believers who have walked longer than me with Jesus and can offer perspective on things I haven't seen. 

So, the wheelchair factory... during the week the workers here, many of whom are also in wheelchairs, make the parts of the wheelchair and create the basic assemble. Companies and people from all over donate pieces of scrap material or old chairs or whatever- and this organization is able to super efficiently put all donations to use. The design is their own and is customable to each child. Twice a week the Guatemalan government arranges for children to be brought in from all over. They come from different parts of life. The children come with their parents. We get to help customize each chair for the kids. Some of the kids have never had a chair before. Some of them have never been out of their beds or seen where they live. It is an emotional time for everyone. I can only imagine how hard it is for parents with children with severe needs like these in the states, but what about in a third world country. Many of these parents have no support or have never met another parent with a similar life. It is wonderful to watch and have a small part to play in helping these lives be improved.

Plus, after all the kids leave, we get some awesome wheelchair basketball time in with some of the workers. It's super fun, but I have to confess, it might be one of the more dangerous activities I've taken part in this year. These friends are out for blood. They block, they grab, they knocked my glasses off once, and have almost run over my feet on multiple occasions. But it's all in good fun and we have a blast!

Our time in the village has been part working with a church doing manual labor tasks and part working with some business women that also put on a local school. One day we taught about basic hygiene for an hour to find out afterwards that the children would be staying for 4 more hours and we were in charge! (Oy.) If the world race hasn't prepared us for this though, I'm not sure what else would. Tyler ran to the store to get candy prizes and the rest of us busted out every skit, song, and game we could think of.  This is me being the Lost Sheep from the parable about the 99 sheep in Luke ___.

But mostly the kids just want to be played with, and I'm not sure who could do that better than me and some of my teammates. (Random side note, but many of these kids were wearing TOMS shoes, so a drop must've been done here. I was again encouraged to SEE some of the action I am always talking and hearing about.)

Our time in Guatemala has been a blessing and I am super excited to have had this last month with such amazing people.

We get to have a business trip in a few days traveling with our friends Hector and Juan (the ones who are in charge of us now that Mark is gone) to do a wheelchair drop in another city. A business trip? Sweet... I never even got to do one of these when I was working, so I am excited.

After that we will start our FINAL DEBRIEF, say goodbye to the World Race, and begin the rest of our lives.

Please prepare yourselves for the emotional wreck that I will be. J

I'm backlogged on blogs again, so get ready for (hopefully) regular updates as I close the race out. :) 

While in Nicaragua, I got the amazing opportunity to spend some time with a friend of mine, Connie, and her son Darwin. I met Connie early into my stay in Nicaragua and she deemed herself my Nicaraguan mother.  She said my real mother does not have to worry because I have a home in Nicaragua in her heart. So, pretty much Connie is the bomb.

She invited me over one night for a sleepover. I'm not sure who was more excited her or me. But this is how excited I was, so beat that Connie:

While I was getting ready I asked myself 'what does one do on a sleepover in Nicaragua?' In the states, I would watch a chick flick and eat some ice cream. At the very least, I would probably speak the same language as my friends... but no such thing here. I was just along for the ride.

Firstly, sleepovers in Nicaragua start at 5 p.m.

            I'm not sure if this is always the case, but the ride to take me to her village was leaving at 5, 'we leave in half an hour'. Oh, okay... well, I guess I'll get ready then.

Secondly, you sit in a hammock and speak only Spanish.

            Of course you do. Now, I speak a little Spanish from high school and college- but it's not that good. My verb conjugations are out the window. So what happens? What happens is that Connie and Darwin are both super patient and great communicators. Even in another culture, facial expressions and hand gestures go a long way. At times, I forgot they weren't speaking English because we were communicating so well. Other times I felt mentally exhausted just from trying to translate in my head what I wanted to say.

Thirdly, instead of popcorn and ice cream, there are mangos and rice and beans.

            Mangos fresh from the tree. This is Darwin getting some. We ate them with salt.

(Connie is ready to catch them.)

The bathroom is out back.

Everyone sleeps in the same room.

There are birds to play with/talk to.

Finally, if you thought there wouldn't be movies, you (as I was) are deceived.

            We watched High School Musical in Spanish (except the songs, thank God- because then I got to sing along with Darwin).  After it was over they asked me if I wanted to watch another one. I realized it was like 10:30 at night and my ride was going back to the village at like 7 a.m. So I said I was tired and we should all go to bed. You'd think I'd suggested that we steal Christmas gifts from orphans or something. Their faces both dropped and Connie told me that on a normal night, it would be bed time. But tonight is special (even though it was a school night) and it was a fiesta! Well, who can argue with that? So, we watched High School Musical 2, which was thankfully in English or I would've been completely lost, and it reminded me of Saved By the Bell when they all worked one summer at a resort.

Nevertheless, I had a fantastic time with them and I think Nicaraguans know how to throw a good sleepover after all. Connie and Dar where my best friends there and a very hard goodbye for me. Darwin made me a bracelet that I am always wearing now. Connie gave me her phone number so I can give her a call when I get home and let my Nicaraguan mama know how I am. Not sure how communication will go over the phone without hand gestures and facial expressions to help, but I'm learning that love is communicated much more easily than I usually think.

It's been a theme for me and this Race to really look for and acknowledge parts of God that I have a hard time seeing. I talked a little about Him as Provider in my 'Thanks and Praise' blog celebrating that my funding is complete (but Him being provider is about SO much more than money). Another role to see Him in is as Pursuer. In the natural, with my human relationships I have not experienced this pursuing much. I would argue at the beginning of the race that I have not experienced this in the spiritual either. I was sometimes envious of people with drastic testimonies, or sometimes felt like the prodigal son's brother (Luke 15:11-32) who watches as someone else experiences a radical redemption but perhaps mine is based out of self-righteousness.

Anyhow, starting in Africa, friends, leaders and teammates started praying for me to see this role of my amazing Lord in my life. I listened to a lot of Mumford and Sons (iTunes says I have listened to 'Sigh No More' 82 times this year), did some Song of Solomon study (thanks Cassie, Emily, and iHOP), and tried to take my thoughts captive when they were looking for life in the natural and should've been finding it in the Heavenly places.

I was pursuing Him to see Him pursuing me. Not a bad concept, but a little ironic.

Then Vietnam happened. My own personal war.

We've started to ask each other the questions about what our favorite month of this thing has been. If you've been reading my blog at all, you know I have had multiple favorite months. Vietnam was where I hit spiritual rock bottom. Like, I don't know how to pick myself up anymore. The details aren't important and truly didn't make a whole lot of sense in the first place. But I was experiencing massive loneliness, insecurity, and depression. I would go to sleep saying declarations to myself of who I am in Jesus. I would wake up and read verses about how much He loves me and how accepted I am in Him. And the strangest thing happened, He started to show Himself. My attempts were an act of desperation to survive that month. But it was all in His plan to pursue me.

In 'real life', it's easy to get distracted or frustrated or busy and not to pursue truth in seasons where we need it. We find a way to put a band-aid on something that the Lord has been wanting to re-set and heal for good.

So basically, He drew me into nothingness and desperation to show Himself. If this story sounds familiar, it's because this is the same God and the same sort of story that He did in Hosea:

 'Therefore I am now going to allure her;

I will lead her into the desert

And speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards,

And will make the Valley of Achor (trouble) a door of hope.'

Hosea 2:14-15

Basically, 'Carrie, I am going to get some time with just you and Me. I am going to lead you into a place where everything else around you doesn't satisfy and doesn't distract. I am doing this to show you Myself. I am doing this because I am madly in love with My creation that is you.'

Once again, the details don't matter so much, but He started to say really specific things about His love for me. He started giving me pictures of the One who is overwhelmed by one glance of my eye (SOS 6: 5, 4:9). He started revealing the Lord, Lover, and Friend that He is. The One I can be completely myself in front of. The One I can dance with and He laughs and smiles with delight.

I know Vietnam was long time ago. The events happened there. The processing has happened since. The growth starts here.

One day in Nicaragua, we were doing a health clinic for a local village. We pretty much showed up to a small empty building and brought a doctor and some first aid supplies. Our two teams got delegated jobs. Some people got names and ages of people as they waited in line. Other people took blood pressures. We had three nurses and a medic with us, so they could do even more helpful things like help with diagnosis or prescriptions. Everyone had a job. Everyone except me.

I was feeling particularly awkward that day as I tried in mangled Spanish to connect with or entertain the people in line. This was one of our first days in Nicaragua and my Spanish was supes rusty at best. After a couple more attempts and failures to talk to kids or make them laugh, I was ready to throw in the towel for this particular day of ministry. I remembered the 'clinic' had a hammock in the back room. I could easily slip past everyone and just disappear for a while. So I got up to do just so, and I felt like the Lord said 'draw a picture of that kid.'

Little did the Lord know that that was one of the kids I was trying to avoid.

But I felt it really strongly. It wasn't a 'maybe that was His voice.' It was a 'that WAS His voice. Do you want to disobey/ignore Him?'

And yes, I kinda did want to ignore it. As I had this debate with my spirit and flesh I walked at least closer to the hallway for the hammock. And suddenly all these people showed up, that were not there a second ago, blocking my way. Seriously?

I sighed and realized that my God is doing one of the things He graciously does. He is making it easier to obey Him. He knows I can be weak. Especially that day.

I took His grace up on the offer and sat down and drew a silly caricature of that kid. Which he loved. Which led to playing paper ball in plastic cup basketball. Which led to teaching him the cup game. Which lead to more children crowding around us. My next two hours were some of my favorite time on the race so far. I had about 10 children in my posse and they didn't care if I botched Spanish or not. We climbed trees and sang songs and played games and scraped our knees, and it was fantastic.

The boy I originally drew the picture of was my favorite. His name was Dulcan.

At the end of our time together, I told all my little friends goodbye and that I loved them. Especially Dulcan. I expected never to see them again.

A few days later we were digging and irrigation ditch for a village. On our lunch break we walked over to a school to play with the kids, and guess who was there?! My buddy Dulcan and his friends. It was such a huge blessing to see our his excitement as he ran to give me a big hug.

The next two days as we dug ditches, those boys were right next to us (literally in the trenches) helping us dig.

(Related side story: my water bottle got stolen one of those days, and the boys marched off into the neighborhood and retrieved it for me.) 

I am so blessed that God intervened on a day when all I wanted to do was become a recluse and feel sorry for myself, and instead He blessed me and gave me this cool story. It also makes me think what might I be missing when I do say no to God or do choose to ignore His voice. I want to be one that is always quick to say yes when He speaks.